A keresés eredménye

Red and Gold

A calm rain fell that night that she left her home
And from Stortorget1 she heard how the clock
struck five
Now there was no way back she could never return
Now all the bridges were burnt
It was now it was going to happen
So she tied a band around her golden red hair
She was breathing for the first time in four years
In front of her there laid the city drenched in soot and slush and smoke
And behind her laid a letter of resignation on a table in a polished kitchen
 
A calm rain smattered against the window this hail-hard autumn
He woke up from his heart cramping in his chest
He had heard someone shouting
he had not been dreaming
A voice from the past he thought he had forgotten
The woman in the bed next to him slept like nothing had happened
When he got dressed, snuck out, and opened the door just a bit
When he started to walk his heart once again begun to beat
On the wall of his rental house someone had written the words
 
There is nothing to wait for
There is nothing to wait for
 
In a curtain of mist a brave sunrise struggled
She sat smoking on the ground of a deserted train platform
The air was crystals
Light and high and cool
And in the distance she heard the screeching signal of the steam train
On the other side of the track burnt a tree in red and gold
She felt no regret
She felt no guilt
There was nothing to explain there was nothing to understand
What was left now were only the words that she left behind
There was nothing to wait for
There was nothing to wait for
 
He came wandering along the track like a wet and frozen dog
She smiled and said
There you are, I have been here for a while
It had once again begun to rain and now it was pouring down
He fell into her arms and said
 
I can't take it any longer
I have tried doing the right thing what is expected of me
But there hasn't been a night when I haven't dreamt about you
In the order and the calm I have sought my secure comfort
But every autumn I have searched every wind for your voice
And I thought it had passed
That everything was over
I built up an existence but was emptied inside
We will never be forgiven we're doomed I know
But I'd rather die than long for you in secret
And they saw the very last train that would ever leave
They only saw two options: jump in front or on
They burnt red and golden but the autumn sky was grey
They kissed each other tenderly in a rain that sang for them both
 
There is nothing to wait for
There is nothing to wait for
 

• 1. The name of a place. Lit translation is 'Big Square'

The Cliché

It was you and I against the world, that's how it usually goes
An old cliché about the ideal love
With pink clouds around my head, jingle jangle, tra-la-la
we danced on a homemade pedestal each
We did all that one should do

For Fallen Angels

It is heavy silent walls, barbed wire, steel and cages
High security and body search
I am supervised by a camera, every movement guarded,
When I show a valid identification
I got searched again, and then escorted
To a small room that reeks of sweat and smoke
And when all the impressions mix
I can barely breathe
Then I'm only just visiting
There are wise men and women,
Prophets, clairvoyants
But when it comes to the art of foretelling no one's more competent than the other,
With their hundred correct-percentage, but the Judge first and foremost in this guild
He has foreseen your destiny,
Like stopped the flow of time
Your future lies predetermined and finished
So I turn my eye,
Towards the lovely years past
And the fantastic person you were
 
And my heart starts to tremble
Because I remember you as a fairy
You laughed at everything and nothing
With you nothing was dangerous,
Not even particulary serious
You stumbled around, you danced in a ring
It was free candies,
It was wild carousels
It was a colourful circus without any demands
It was a rollercoaster ride
You embraced our world
Without ever charging anything for what you gave
We danced through the years,
But a night like last Spring
I woke up from you standing beside my bed
And I can promise nothing, but you seemed to still be asleep
But you sang a strange chorus
 
About a place for Fallen Angels, where you live on time you don't have
If you've been there once you'll want to go back
Where you forget where you came from, you forget who you are
You forget where you're going and all that it means
Where clipped wings heal, where you do whatever you want
Where you do not age, because time stands still
But the rest of the world becomes meaninglessly grey
You have to be there to understand
 
It was after it happened, it was like everything turned around,
I saw a flash of sorrow every time you smiled
We had so much time, but you were always in a hurry
And nothing you had was ever enough
Nothing seemed to suffice anymore, it was here you started lying
Even to the one you had in your arms
And a love song you were bestowed, got exceeded and drowned
From an itch in your chest and your bowels
And in the city's cracks and corners
You found other fallen girls
They sang the same melody as you
With the same discarded halo,
And broken story
About foster fathers, BUP* and LBU**
And you called in the middle of the night
With a voice as if under water
You laughed, you cried at the same time
Asked for forgiveness and comfort
With a screamed-until-broken voice,
And you sang your cursed song
 
There is a place for Fallen Angels, where you live on time you don't have
If you've been there once you'll want to go back
Where you forget where you came from, you forget who you are
You forget where you're going and all that it means
Where clipped wings heal, where you do whatever you want
Where you do not age, because time stands still
But the rest of the world becomes meaninglessly grey
You have to be there to understand
 
And I raise my eye again
I realize I am crying
Trapped in a room that reeks of sweat
But it's rage that I'm feeling,
It's raging and it's burning
How can a grown person be so foolish?
 
Because I'm tired of these tears
I'm tired of these fools
Who's decided that their pain is unique
The fucking desire to get to fall
Of course it lives in us all
The difference is mostly in the shades of our scream
Yeah I also have this eagerness
And it rages and it scratches
The same rage and the same frustration
But through all these years,
I have chosen another trail
Because you have shown me that journey's end station
Yeah, I have had my role model,
A Fallen Angel proud and wild
Who's shown the way through the screams, through the crying
Now that your hair has lost its shine
I shall call you sister
You shall forever be loved and forgiven
Heavy, silent showers are falling
over heavy, silent walls
But it is not them who's got you trapped
It's no barbed wire and metal,
It's your own free fall,
It's that cursed song
 
About a place for Fallen Angels, where you live on time you don't have
If you've been there once you'll want to go back
Where you forget where you came from, you forget who you are
You forget where you're going and all that it means
Where clipped wings heal, where you do whatever you want
Where you do not age, because time stands still
But the rest of the world becomes meaninglessly grey
You have to be there to understand
 

Dialogue between lovers

Oh well, here we go again. It happens so easily.
We are locked in loneliness in the pub's toilet.
I have a feeling that you're thinking that there'll be romance here.
But there will not be rows and crying and loud screams here.
 
My friend, when you're sober you're cute and sweet and neat
But to think that after three-four beers yeah, then you change attitude.
And from being quiet and withdrawn mild
You go to roaring: I'm beautiful, free and wild.
I defend your freedom but do you realize the hypocrisy
It means to be alcohol-based free
 
Don't think I don't hear your undercover taunt.
With fucking gorgeous language and velvet tongue in front of your critique.
But drop the insinuations and if there's something you want
Yes dear, if you've got something on your mind just speak up.
No, don't say anything! I'll guess! Yes, now I think I know.
You whine because you don't have my full attention.
 
Oh, you think I'm jealous? Let us express it mildly.
Since you got here to Nefertiti you've been flirting wildly.
Laughed shrilly and fooled around as if you were fifteen years
And tried to tighten the push-up a step further than possible.
A moment ago you were making Killing jokes with a broiler kid
And giggled like a brat to his plump laugh.
 
Oh well, thank fuck I'm talking to other men
When you say: I'll go buy som beers. I'll be gone for an hour, and then
I find you i the bar with a Barbie-plagiary
Big-eyed-breasted blonde with an IQ of a tin soldier.
So don't come to me to talk shit about hypocrisy
First take a look in the mirror you Lars Demian-wannabe.
 
You think that I'm kissing ass? Yes, it's probably sometimes true.
I pretend to like our long walks hand in hand
I laugh at you pops jokes, I sing to your mother
And pretend to be be fascinated by your IT-knowledgeable younger brother.
I carry you when you get too drunk to walk on your own
When I'd rather dump you the closest gutter.
 
Fuck all the times I've pleased you and cursed silently
When you with stubble and hangover-sweaty begged for a kiss.
Fuck when you say:
You'd be sexy as a blond.
Your smoke poisoned breath, your damned morning wood.
Fuck having to provide for you when you've drunk yourself broke
Fuck your dirty underwear and your socks' stench.
 
Oh well, what do you think I think of your company during your fourteen days period?
What do you think I think of your smoker's cough and your damn impotency?
Your eternal nagging about tinnitus? Your fear of becoming deaf?
Or spooning with you and your Godzilla ass?
Your bumpy thighs! Your fuzzy hair! Your hanging tits! Your beard!
To discuss with you is like talking to a wall.
 
Now you're silently looking down to the floor. You got tears in the corner of your eye.
A guard tears up the door and yells: 'We're closed.
Fucking leave already!'
I hear you sigh as we leave. You sniffle some.
But when we stop in our staircase you suddenly grab my hand.
 
I look at you. I look at you. I wake up and I remember.
Despite all harsh words you're the most beautiful there is.
And we hurry up the stairs and sleep with each other.
And one and two and three see how all discourse disappeared.
Then there's a bit more crying and sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
Then we'll take a bubble bath with live candles and classical music afterwards.
Then we'll swear to be friends at a blood red sunrise.
At least until we go out together next time.
 

All You Are

You’re breathing pretty quietly I think you finally fell asleep
Tears make you sleepy, don’t they?
Both you and all the candles in my room has burned out
They burned out when they burned the most and you did the same
 
You’re lying in my bed with the comforter pulled up over your chin
Like you’ve done so many hangover days
Among familiar smells between familiar sheets
As though we ever were a couple
 
And here I’m lying on the floor on an unmade mattress
Outside the stars are dancing on the roofs
Just now the air was moisty warm, now it’s cold and sharp
And you’re asleep. I am inexorably awake
 
And the blanket I have above me feels justly short and thin
When I think about the words I heard coming out of my mouth
 
That I love your eyes, I love your voice
I love your almost nonexistent breasts
And I love when you wake up and are sulky and dizzy
In t-shirt and panties and fuck hair
And your childish thefts of my attention
Your self-destructive generosity
Your criminal, suicidally dangerous way of driving
 
And I love your “young and single girl in the big city”-style
That you use expressions and famous quotes
That coke light and popcorn is your fave drink and food
And that you answer something else when one asks how you’re doing
I love that you laugh when you walk
 
But despite all this love there will never be you and me
I only love all that you are… but not you
 
You got here shortly before midnight, yeah you usually do that
Like usual I got happy that you came
You walked as usual into the apartment without knocking
But you said “There’s something I want to talk about
 
I kind of ache, yeah it dances, spins around
I don’t really know what it is
Maybe it’s like it usually is that I’m talking nonsense
But I’m almost starting to think I’m in love
 
And I know it’s completely out of phase with what we’ve said
With independence and distance
Yeah, I’m maybe fucking everything up now, I do that a lot
But don’t you think we have a chance?”
 
And there you stood and looked at me, so cold and wonderful
And there I sat and stuttered out my terrible answer
 
That I love when you come over and we sleep in late on purpose
I love that your skin is unnaturally white
And I love every time you forced me out in the city
Every failed attempt you’ve made at becoming a vegetarian
And your unending badgering about how fun it is with rave
I love when we play PJ Harvey and Nick Cave
That you always have to stomp in every puddle
And that you get drunk on just four medium-strength beer
I love your impossible brilliant ideas
That you cry when we’re hangover and watching Disney-matinees
Yeah I even love your Göteborg dialect
I get that it would have been perfect
So can you imagine how fucking stupid it feels to say no,
To just love all that you are but not you
 
It couldn’t be stopped, it was like a volcano
You tensed, you shuddered, you burst
Like a wounded wolf or a dying swan
You grabbed me and didn’t let go
 
You fell down on your knees, you heaved yourself up on your toes
And you screamed something that couldn’t be heard
With a drowning person’s despair you refused to listen to
Everything I want to whisper in your ear right then
 
I love when you touch me and when you’re here
I hate more than anything that I can’t fall in love
I wish more than anything that there were alternatives
To this tired, barren, bitter waste of life
But I have to ascertain, fuck it feels overwhelming,
What I loved about us love has destroyed
Because I have no shot of giving you what you want from me
I just love all that you are, I love all that you do, I love all that you are…
…. But not you